Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Travel Bugaboos 

I have been doing a lot of traveling for business lately. A lot. Too much. Currently I am in the Motor City in yet another Embassy Suites hotel. Last week I was in Razorbacks country, the week before, L.A. L.A. land, and the week before that...um, I can't remember. Somewhere. Where was the Mary Tyler Moore shot filmed? There. I remember the statue.
So I think I deserve the right to bitch a little. Here's my list of travel bugaboos (although not in any order):

  1. I don't enjoy having to take my shoes off to get through security. It's summer for Christ's sake -- I am wearing flipflops that are a half-inch thick. I do not want my bare feet on the dirty cold tile airport floor. What on Earth am I going to sneak onto the plane in my flipflops? I could understand if I was wearing 4-inch platforms with space for secret hatches, but flipflops? 
  2. It drives me absolutely insane that people totally ignore the gate attendant with regard to which rows are being boarded. WAKE UP PEOPLE! You HAVE a ticket. You HAVE a seat. You HAVE a boarding pass. WHY WHY WHY do you need to form a queue to get on the plane before your row is called?  Sit the hell down! WAIT YOUR TURN.
  3. Why is it that the people in the BACK of the plane feel that they have the right to store their carry-on luggage in the overhead compartments at the FRONT of the plane? (You know who you are.) Are you too freakin' lazy to carry it to the back and place it over your OWN seat? Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to have to store your carry-on luggage several rows BEHIND you? When this happens you have to wait until ALL souls deplane before you can get back to your luggage and get off. Do you do this on purpose? Do you get some sort of SICK SADISTIC kick out of this? You are a MORON! A freakin' MORON -- do you HEAR ME! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
  4. OK, you get to bring little Gomez on the plane for free because he's under two. That DOES NOT mean that little Gomez can kick the back of my seat the entire flight. That does not mean that little Gomez can stand on your knees and grab the back of my seat and pull my hair. That does not mean that you can let little Gomez shit in his pants and not bother changing his little stinkin' self. Have some respect for the people around you. Teach little Gomez respect for the people around him. Remember what it was like BEFORE you had children and were totally blind to how annoying they can be. Better yet, don't travel with little Gomez until he's 30.
  5. People who stick their dirty tissues in the seat backs in between the magazines should be thrown from the plane naked. 
  6. People  who cough and sneeze without covering their mouths should be thrown from the plane aflame.
  7. People who grab every seatback as they pass to go to the bathroom (thus pulling my hair, waking me up and/or forcing me to spill my tomato juice) should be locked in the bathroom until the plane lands. They should have to stand at the gate and apologize to every single aisle seat passenger.
  8. People who never shut the fuck up while they are on a plane should be given a nice big tranquilizer shot in the ass. They have nothing to say and a captured listener. They go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. And they ALWAYS have annoying voices and annoying laughs. I thank God every single flight for my iPod.

  9. OK, I feel better now. I am in my hotel safe and sound. I am making a conscious decision to not let any of this bother me any more. I am going to go take a shower to see if I can get little Gomez's footprint off my back.

    9 flights down, 5 to go.
    9 flights down, 5 to go.
    9 flights down, 5 to go...

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